


Dog's Life

by Dracothelizard



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Bodyswap, Crack, Gen, The Stig Did It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-13
Updated: 2007-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 06:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracothelizard/pseuds/Dracothelizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seems that due to some mysterious event, James and Top Gear Dog have switched bodies. Obviously, this is a bit of a problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing in this fic ever happened, and if it does, I should not be held responsible.

"He's late," Jeremy said, looking at his watch. "I bet he's in Scotland now."  
  
"Let's just call him," Richard replied, and waited as Jeremy dialled James' home phone number.   
  
"Hello? Hello? Help me!"   
  
"James? Stop being an idiot and get down here!"   
  
"Je-Jeremy?" came the frightened reply. "I don't know what to do."   
  
"You take one of your stupid cars and drive it to the airfield THIS INSTANT or I'm coming to London to kill you," Jeremy replied loudly.   
  
"I - I don't know how to drive a car," James said quietly. "Everything's all wrong." Then there was a yelp, and even Richard could hear the worried shouting of 'no! Bad cat! Get away! BAD CAT!' on the other end.   
  
"Oh, for God's sake, man, get a taxi. You know, a taxi? Big black cars with the shiny light above the window? You pay for them with money, those papery things in your wallet?" Jeremy asked, irritated. “You didn’t forget where the airfield _is_ , did you? Dunsfield Airfield, Surrey. You do remember that, don’t you?” He sighed. "Have you been smoking marihuana again?”   
  
"I don't think so. I don't know what happened," James replied, sounding uncharacteristically frightened. "I'll - I'll try to hurry."   
  
Jeremy hung up, and looked at Richard. "Remind me again why we hired him?"  
  
***  
  
When James finally did arrive in the studio, he was looking more nervous and skittish than usual, and when he saw Richard, he immediately hurried over to him and hugged him. "Master, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened, I just woke up like this and now look what happened!"   
  
Richard stared at Jeremy, who was looking quite confused as well.   
  
"Hammond, is there something between you and James that you'd like to tell me about?"  
  
***  
  
A few hours later, and after trying to give James several cups of tea and still not getting anything useful out of him besides some whimpering, Richard got a slightly distressed phone call from his wife.   
  
"Richard, I think something's wrong with TG."   
  
"Why?"  
  
"She won't let anyone come near her, she even growled at me when I tried to pet her."  
  
"I think you'd better take her to the vet," Richard replied.  
  
At the mention of 'vet', James looked up, startled. "Not the vet! Anything but the vet! He's got cold hands!" he loudly complained, and looked frightened.  
  
Richard stared at his friend, and began to get a dreadful suspicion. "Mindy, make sure TG doesn't leave the house, I'm coming to pick her up."  
  
***  
  
When Richard got home and saw TG in her basket, he thought it was odd that she didn't look any different. Then again, she probably wouldn't.  
  
He smiled reassuringly when TG looked up at the noise, and was slightly pleased when she wagged her tail at the sight of him. TG then looked at her tail, as if she surprised it even existed. Which, well, if TG really WAS James, James probably would be surprised.   
  
Richard approached the basket carefully. "Hello," he said, looking into the sad brown eyes of his dog. "Er, James? Is that you?"   
  
The dog let out a bark, and then promptly remained quiet, but looked quite startled.   
  
"I'll take that as a yes, then. Look, we've got - we've got YOU at the studio, so I think it's best if you came along, all right?  
  
***  
  
It had taken some time to convince the dog to wear the leash, since James kept barking and moving out of the way, but Richard had grabbed him by the collar and had told him in no uncertain terms to stay still if he wanted to be let into the hangar, and had promised him tea if he behaved. There had been a short tail wag at that, so Richard assumed James had agreed with him.   
  
He was slightly worried at what he would find, since he had effectively left Jeremy alone with TG, and he wasn't good with her even when she was a dog.   
  
"Jez? TG?" he asked when he entered the office, James trailing behind him. "Everything all right?"   
  
TG immediately looked up, and, at the sight of the dog in the door opening, stormed over to him. "You're me!" she exclaimed, sitting on her knees and eyeing the dog curiously.   
  
James seemed to glare back, and didn't dignify this with an answer. He did look up at Richard and let out a small whine.   
  
"Ah, right. Tea," Richard said, happy to go back to some sort of semblance of normality.  
  
***  
  
While the dog was slobbering at the tea Richard had put in a bowl, TG had curled up on a chair, arms wrapped around her knees. "What do we do?" she asked, eyeing her old body. "I want to be myself again."   
  
"I'm sure James feels the same way," Jeremy replied, and awkwardly patted TG on her head.   
  
Richard sighed, and shrugged. "I don't know, swee- TG," he said, catching himself and not quite wanting to say 'sweetie' to James' body, because that would be too weird. "I'll go and ask Stig what he knows, okay?" He walked out the door, after one warning look at Jeremy.   
  
Jeremy glared at the door for a moment before turning to TG. "What's the last thing you remember?"   
  
"Going to sleep. And then waking up and being very confused and frightened," TG replied, looking at him with sad blue eyes.   
  
Jeremy felt oddly guilty for having shouted at her earlier. "Yes, well, you're with us now, we'll fix it."   
  
At that, TG suddenly grinned, and leaned over her seat to give Jeremy a hug. "I know you will! You always fix everything!"   
  
Jeremy flushed, and patted TG on the back. "Yes, well," he muttered.   
  
James had looked up, and now gave Jeremy a filthy glare, like it was Jeremy's fault that the current occupier of James' body was a lot more affectionate than James was. Maybe he and Richard should just consider keeping TG and James like this. TG couldn't be a worse driver than James was, and Jeremy liked having affection draped over him.  
  
***  
  
"One problem, though," Jeremy said, once Richard had returned with Stig in tow. "What do we about the show? We're recording in a few hours."   
  
"Oh, God." Richard sunk into a chair while Stig strode over to the worried TG and James, who was currently lying at her feet.   
  
"Okay, look, TG isn't stupid, she can pretend to be James for a bit. She can memorise the script and just be irritable a lot whilst complaining about the French," Jeremy suggested. "And as for James, well, no one's going to be surprised if we haven't got the dog in the studio itself, right?"   
  
***  
  
This idea was considered their best alternative until the Stig came up with a way to turn them back, and Jeremy had locked himself in an office with TG to rehearse the script.  
  
Richard had decided to take James with him, and to casually inform some people that James was feeling under the weather, and it was best if he wasn't bothered too much.   
  
There was, however, one slight flaw in his plan, and that was that the make-up lady, who was always affectionate with TG, had decided to be that now as well. He had thought James was going to bolt, but as he was explaining that James hadn't been feeling too well, he realised that James was currently looking down the poor woman's shirt as she had leaned over to tell TG what a good girl she was whilst stroking her sides.   
  
Richard tugged the leash sharply. "Let's go, _girl_ ," he said, before saying goodbye and dragging James with him, who looked back at the make-up lady and gave her a happy tail wag.   
  
When they were out of hearing distance, Richard glared at his friend. "You disgusting pervert."   
  
James just looked up at him with a tilted head, and wagged his tail, working the innocent doggy look for all it was worth.  
  
***  
  
As far as recordings went, well, Richard could only hope their editors could work miracles, since so far TG had almost slipped a couple of times, and had only just managed to turn a 'Master', which would've been hard to explain to the audience, into a 'maybe', while James had decided he wanted to watch TG pretend to be him, and had been standing in the audience.   
  
He'd only been standing there for a few seconds, having made his way through the thick crowd of people, but once he had found a good spot it hadn't taken long for some young ladies to coo over him, and the next moment Richard was watching James roll over so they could pet the furry stomach.   
  
"TG! Here, girl," he said loudly, and he watched smugly as James immediately got on all fours, the innate doggy obedience taking over.   
  
James padded slowly over to the News area, while the part of the audience who hadn't seen him yet made some aww'ing noises, and Richard thought that this was going to make James unbearable.   
  
"TG," he told James sternly after grabbing his collar, "no harassing the audience, okay?"   
  
James hung his head, and did a slow and sad-looking tail wag, and the two girls added that they hadn't minded at all, leaving Richard to look like the villain.   
  
Then, TG leaned over to James. "How would you like it if _I_ went up to people and did exactly that?" she hissed quietly. "Or would you prefer it if I 'went' in front of all these people?"   
  
James looked at her, tail low and eyes horrified. He quickly shook his head, and padded over to Jeremy's seat, to lie next to the television.   
  
"Ah, er, anyway," Richard said, hoping no one had heard that exchange, "there's been news of a complete idiot who wrecked a Bugatti. Jeremy, how exactly are you going to kill him?"   
  
***  
  
Once the recording was over, Richard breathed a sigh of relief and went to mingle with the audience, taking James with him on his leash. He noticed that Jeremy drew TG aside, probably to tell her that she hadn't done too horribly, and how to fake James' autograph.  
  
He was just signing some autographs when he heard some surprised gasps, and noticed people staring over his shoulder. Naturally, he turned to look and saw Jeremy hugging TG - or possibly the other way around - and muttering something to her. "Oh, er, James - James isn't feeling too well, not really himself today," Richard said, wondering how on Earth he was supposed to explain James 'stop touching me' May fiercely hugging Jeremy. "Probably stress, from, er, he's not feeling well."   
  
"I'll say," a stunned-looking man replied. "He's not dying, is he?"   
  
"No!"   
  
Lying on the floor next to him, James had covered his eyes and was whining quietly.   
  
***  
  
"Hammond, did you tell Stig to hurry?" Jeremy asked later on, once the crowd had gone.   
  
"'Course I did, why?"  
  
Jeremy smirked. "I don't think he has to hurry that much. TG is doing fine as James, and James seems to be lapping up the attention from his new fans quite nicely too."   
  
Richard stared at his friend. "Jez... Jez, she can't drive," he said, thinking of the first objection on an endless list of objections.  
  
"I'll teach her," Jeremy replied, and shrugged. "Stig could teach her, even. Hey, I'll bet you she's faster than him AND has a better sense of direction."   
  
Richard blinked. "But - you're insane," he said, and walked away to find where James and TG had went.  
  
"She can't have a WORSE sense of direction!" Jeremy shouted after him.  
  
***  
  
Jeremy immediately hurried over to Stig's dressing room before Richard could get to him, and after some explaining, Stig agreed to help TG learn how to drive. However, Jeremy felt it was better if he taught her the basics before Stig taught her about the finer points of driving.   
  
***  
  
"Okay, now, have you got your seatbelt?" Jeremy asked.  
  
"Yes, and I really don't think this is a good idea. What if I get sick all over you?" TG asked, worried.  
  
"Ah," Jeremy replied. "That's the beauty. As a DOG you get carsick, but as James you don't, since James doesn't get carsick. If we were to stick James in a moving car in his current predicament, he'd have your old problem. Do you understand?"   
  
TG nodded slowly. "I suppose it makes some sense."   
  
Jeremy was pleased to note she looked less doubtful about the whole idea. "Brilliant. Now, press down the clutch, on the far left, and turn the key in the ignition."   
  
***  
  
Richard and James were standing by the side of the track, more than slightly worried. "James, look, I'm sorry that it's going to take Stig longer than he expected."   
  
James wagged his tail a bit, which seemed to be as good as a shrug from his normal self.   
  
"I'm glad you're okay with it. I guess it'll take some getting used to for all us, what with TG having to stay in your house all alone, and you coming home with me," Richard told James.  
  
James looked up from his sniffing of the grass, and let out a sharp bark.  
  
Richard stared at him. "Oh. Er, you hadn't quite thought that far ahead, I guess."  
  
Meanwhile, in the Lacetti, TG was looking distinctly pale in the face, and Jeremy hoped his theory was correct.  
  
***  
  
TG had been slightly anxious about going back to James’ home, not wanting to be alone. “I want to come home with you,” she whined, holding on to Richard’s arm.  
  
“TG, how’s it going to look if Richard comes home with a whimpering James?” Jeremy asked brusquely. “Hammond, how about letting TG bring James with her? He probably prefers familiar surroundings now.”   
  
James barked and wagged his tail at that, clearly agreeing.   
  
“I could make up some excuse, I suppose,” Richard said doubtfully. “But I don’t know, I don’t really like the thought of the two of them in London, what if something happens? TG’s only just become human, and James is a dog!”   
  
“Look, I’ll stay with them for tonight, okay? Help them get settled in and make sure they’re all right,” Jeremy said. “It’ll be fine.”   
  
Both James and TG seemed comfortable with that, although they both clearly thought the situation was less than ideal. James would’ve preferred Jeremy to stay out of his home, while TG would’ve preferred staying with Richard.  
  
Still, it was better than nothing.  
  
***  
  
"You've been really helpful this last week, Jeremy," TG told him when they were going over the script for next week.   
  
"Nonsense, it's either that or have a crap episode of Top Gear, and I'm not having that," he said sternly. "So, come on, focus, and don't make me bribe you with a doggy treat, because that's just wrong."   
  
"But they taste really good, you should try them!" TG said, with an enthusiastic grin, and offered him the bag.  
  
Jeremy was vaguely tempted, and did take the bag, but only to put it away. "No. Not until we're done, and then maybe you can get a treat."   
  
TG pouted, which was something Jeremy thought James' face was simply incapable of. "Well, fine, but only if we can go for a walk afterwards."   
  
"Okay," Jeremy replied. "But you do mean walk walk, right? Because last time you went for a walk with Richard, and - "   
  
TG blushed. "It was a mistake anyone could've made! They shouldn't put lampposts up like that! Should be made illegal," she muttered, as she averted her eyes and pretended to be interested in the script, still red in the face.   
  
Jeremy couldn't help but grin and remember Richard's shriek of outrage that had alerted everyone to what TG-as-James had just done. That had taken quite some explanation from Hammond, while TG had cowered behind a nearby car.   
  
***  
  
"So, you're taking to being human, then?" Jeremy asked, as they walked over the track, after having glanced around to see if anyone else was around.   
  
TG nodded. "It's weird, but fun. I've wondered why you do some things, and now I know. Like why Ma- Richard," she quickly corrected herself, "is always so cranky in the morning. I thought he was just playing, but now I get it, the hot black drink - "   
  
"Coffee," Jeremy interrupted. "It's coffee."  
  
"Yes, the coffee, it really helps to make humans less cranky." She shook her head. "It's amazing. Obviously there are still some human habits I don't get, but I think it's just a matter of trying."   
  
"Try what?" Jeremy asked, slightly worried what human habit TG was talking about. "You don't mean smoking, do you? Because I really don't think you should try that. It's a filthy habit."   
  
TG suddenly stopped. "So that's that craving!" she exclaimed. "I was wondering why I felt so - so itchy all the time! Smoking! But - but you're right, I probably shouldn't. Lighters look complicated. I was just talking about something else."   
  
Jeremy looked at her intently, wondering why she had suddenly got nervous again. "Alcohol? Because I don't think you should try that either."   
  
"No!" TG said, sounding insulted. "I've seen what happens then. He's vomited in my basket once, I'm not having anything to do with alcohol."   
  
Jeremy was about to say that he thought that was very good of her, and could he hear more about Richard throwing up in the dog basket when TG took hold of his face and kissed him. It was only a short, closed-mouthed kiss, but it was enough to make Jeremy wonder if he hadn't finally gone insane.   
  
TG let go, and stared at him, surprise all over her face and in the familiar blue eyes. "So that's why they do it," she whispered.  
  
Jeremy looked away, not wanting to meet her - James' - eyes for now, and groaned when he saw a furry white shape run away back to the hangar. James was going to KILL him.  
  
***  
  
As Jeremy and TG made their way back to the hangar, TG seemingly oblivious to any discomfort, Jeremy was wondering how exactly James was going to kill him, and thought that, if properly motivated, labradoodles probably could tear a human's throat out.   
  
And that was if Richard didn't find out, which he probably would, and then Richard was going to tear his throat out if James didn't.   
  
***  
  
"Hello," Jeremy said, slightly wary as he stepped into the room, TG behind him radiating innocence.   
  
"Hey," Richard replied. "You wouldn't happen to know what's wrong with James, do you? I let him outside for a moment, told him exercise was good for him, and five minutes he comes running back in like the hounds of hell are after him, and now he won't move away from the radiator. D'you know what happened?" He eyed the dog in the corner with worry.   
  
"Maybe a car spooked him," TG offered. "But we were just outside and I didn't see any cars. Jeremy, did you?"   
  
"No, not really," Jeremy said, busy looking at the wall. Nice shade of beige, that. He had seen James glare fiercely at him, no doubt already calculating the ideal trajectory and velocity for throat-ripping.   
  
"Jeremy, are you _sure_ nothing happened that could've possibly spooked James?" Richard asked, in a tone that let him know Richard knew something had happened and that he wasn't going to rest until he knew what it was.   
  
"James spooks easily," Jeremy declared. "He's probably sulking because no one wanted to pet him."   
  
"It can't be that kissing thing we did, because that's normal human behaviour," TG said.   
  
Richard promptly dropped the magazine he was holding, and launched himself at Jeremy.  
  
“You total bastard – going to kill you,” Richard grunted between kicking and punching Jeremy, who was trying to deflect most of the blows, and was quite surprised when the weight was pulled off him.  
  
He saw TG holding Richard back, who was still looking furious, and to his right he saw that James was padding to him slowly, and the dog growled. “I’m, er, sorry,” he said, keeping an eye on the dog.   
  
“You snogged my dog!” Richard cried.  
  
James barked at Jeremy, and then growled again, and Jeremy knew James was complaining about his body being violated. “I’m sorry!” he repeated.  
  
“I started it,” TG said, letting go of Richard and wringing her hands nervously, and looking down at the floor. “I just thought it was a normal way of showing affection.”   
  
Richard whirled around, and stared at her. “I – it’s not! I mean, yes, it is, but it’s a way of showing affection to _special_ people. Special people you really really like. A lot.”   
  
TG still looked confused. “But I do like Jeremy a lot.”   
  
James growled again, and Jeremy decided it was probably a good idea to carefully move away from the dog; even if it was only a labradoodle, it was still quite threatening.  
  
Richard sighed. “You do not like him like that. Kissing is something humans do to – to other people they want to spend their rest of their lives with.”   
  
TG nodded, and smiled. “Oh, I see.”   
  
Then she promptly reached for Richard, and kissed him.  
  
Jeremy stared, while he could hear James let out a howl and a whimper.  
  
***  
  
Richard had dragged Jeremy out of the room, who wondered if leaving James alone with TG was such a good idea, although James probably wasn’t angry enough to bite his own body.  
  
“We are turning them back now,” Richard insisted.  
  
“But –”  
  
“Now.” Richard glared at him. “I just got kissed by my dog and, in a way, my friend. We’re turning them back to normal immediately.”   
  
***  
  
If James and TG were surprised that Stig was able to turn them back to normal so swiftly, they didn’t show it, possibly because they were too busy being back to normal.  
  
TG happily jumped up at Richard, tail wagging wildly, and James just stared at his hands as if he couldn’t believe he had opposable thumbs again.   
  
Jeremy carefully sidled over to James. “I am sorry about what happened with – with TG. I didn’t know she was going to do that.”   
  
“I’m sure you didn’t,” James said, and then momentarily looked surprised. Then he grinned. “It is weird being able to talk normally again. I don’t think barking is really for me.”   
  
“I really am sorry; I should’ve just stopped her,” Jeremy added.  
  
“Yes, well, you did technically violate my body against my will, Clarkson. You’re going to have to pay for that,” James said with a slight smirk.  
  
Jeremy was a bit worried at that. “How?”   
  
“Oh, I think you’re going to be paying for my drinks for at least a year. And possibly for the therapy I might need.”  
  
“Therapy?” Jeremy asked. He didn’t think that being kissed by him was _that_ much of a traumatic experience. Besides, James hadn’t even really experienced it himself.  
  
“Yes,” James replied, and looked at TG. “Honestly, girl, what were you thinking?”  
  
TG just barked at him, and wagged her tail, clearly conveying that to her doggy mind it made perfect sense to kiss Jeremy.   
  
“Can we just pretend this never happened?” Richard asked. “Or I’m going to need therapy as well.”   
  
“All right, let’s go,” Jeremy said. “Pub?”   
  
James nodded. “Yes, I suddenly feel like I need to drink some very expensive whisky.”   
  
Jeremy snorted at that, then looked at Richard. “You coming?”  
  
“Just a minute,” Richard said. “I’ll meet you outside.”   
  
Jeremy nodded, and James followed him out. Richard waited for them to be out of the hallway, then quickly snuck to the Stig’s dressingroom.  
  
“Stig,” he asked. “If you switch me with, well, someone else, let’s say Jeremy, do I then get to drink alcohol?”  
  
Stig tilted his head, thinking, but eventually nodded.  
  
Richard grinned. “Good. Because here’s my idea...”


	2. The Further Dangers of Bodyswapping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard asks the Stig to swap his body with Jeremy's, because he'd quite like a proper drink now.

“Stig? Can I ask you something?”   
  
Stig nodded, and motioned for Richard to come into his dressing room. Then he looked at the other man expectantly, noting that he looked a bit nervous.  
  
“The thing is, well, you remember when James and TG swapped bodies?”   
  
Stig nodded again. He remembered that quite well.  
  
“And that got me thinking, y’know, because of how TG wasn’t sick in cars when she was in James’ body, and well, if I swap with one of them, does that mean I get to drink alcohol?” Richard asked, looking hopeful.  
  
Stig considered this for a moment, but eventually nodded.  
  
Richard grinned. “I knew it! Then can you switch me with one of them, please?”   
  
Stig mimed that he’d love to, but that he’d have to know with whom Richard wanted to switch bodies.  
  
“Jeremy,” Richard said immediately. “It’s about time he sees the world from a shorter perspective.”   
  
Stig stared for a moment, briefly wondering why on Earth the young Hammond would want to switch bodies with Clarkson and his dodgy hip and back. He mimed that the body swap would last for twenty four hours, starting tomorrow at seven am, because it was easier to do that sort of thing when both bodies were asleep.   
  
“Great! Stig, I owe you one,” Richard said, and happily left.  
  
The Stig wondered if Richard would be so happy afterwards.  
  
***  
  
Richard had decided to sleep over at James’, because he didn’t quite fancy the idea of Jeremy Clarkson, in his body, waking up in his house with his wife and kids. He didn’t quite want to traumatise his own family that much.   
  
He hadn’t really considered how much James would be traumatised by the whole thing.  
  
So that morning, once Richard had woken up and had pretended to be Jeremy convincingly enough to Jeremy’s wife and kids, he had driven over to London to visit James and Jeremy, to explain what was going on. He probably should’ve done that beforehand, but he had been too busy planning his alcohol binge.   
  
When James opened the door, he looked alarmingly scared. “Oh, God, not you as well,” he muttered. “Hammond’s being bad enough already.”   
  
“Yes, he probably is,” Richard replied, and stepped in. It was rather nice being this tall, it meant he could barge in and James didn’t bat an eyelid. “I’ll have a chat with him.”   
  
“You?” James asked, slightly stunned. “You’re going to calm him down? He’s gone berserk, Jez. He’s been demanding beer or wine all morning, and - ”  
  
Richard ignored James’ description of Jeremy’s foul mood, and entered the living room, where he saw himself look very, very angry.  
  
“You! You body snatcher!” he shouted. “Give it back, it’s mine!”   
  
Richard held off Jeremy quite easily. “Calm down, Jeremy, it’s temporarily!”   
  
James stared at the two of them. “Oh, God, not this again,” he said, as he seemed to realise what was going on. “I’ll, er, make tea.”   
  
Jeremy glared up at Richard. “What on Earth possessed you to swap bodies with me?”   
  
“It’s only for twenty four hours,” Richard explained. “And I just want to have a proper drink for once!”   
  
“All this because you can’t stick to your two year drinking ban? You should’ve switched with Slow!” Jeremy exclaimed.   
  
Now that Jeremy mentioned it, switching with James would probably have been the better idea. He’d have woken up without having to pretend to be someone else to other people, and he’d have had a well-stocked wine cellar he could’ve been halfway through by now. “I thought it might be good for you to look at things from another perspective,” Richard told him.  
  
Jeremy glared at him. “A lower perspective. This isn’t some boring Hollywood movie, and I’m fairly sure I won’t have any life-changing epiphanies from being in your body.”   
  
“Well, I don’t care,” Richard said. “I’m getting drunk, you do what you like.”   
  
James walked in with three mugs of tea. “Have you two stopped arguing now?” he asked, slightly apprehensive.  
  
Jeremy smirked. “Oh, I’ll think of something to pass the day.”   
  
Richard suddenly felt a bit worried about his body. He probably shouldn’t have told Jeremy to do whatever he liked.  
  
***  
  
“I can’t believe you brought your bike here!” Jeremy raged at Richard, who was inspecting a bottle of wine.   
  
Was it beer after wine that gave the bigger hangover, or wine after beer? He wasn’t quite sure, but thought that wine after beer would have to do, and felt quite pleased that it’d be Clarkson who would have the hangover in the morning. “You didn’t think I’d let you go anywhere in one of my cars, did you?” he asked, grinning.   
  
Jeremy glared at him. “Fine! I’ll go out for a walk, and then I’ll snog the first vaguely attractive man I find.”  
  
“You won’t,” Richard said, as he poured himself a glass.   
  
“Well, maybe not the first man, but definitely the first woman!” Jeremy stormed out, and James looked rather worried.  
  
“Shouldn’t you go after him? He could get up to all sorts of horrible things,” James said, no doubt thinking of all the horrible things Clarkson could if it were he and James who had been swapped.  
  
Richard sighed. “I suppose I’d better. And you probably want us out of your house.”   
  
James smiled slightly. “Maybe just a bit.”   
  
Richard stood up. “Well, thanks for having us anyway, I’m off.” He hoped Jeremy hadn’t got too far yet.  
  
***  
  
They spent the rest of the afternoon and evening having to stop each other from doing ridiculous things. Jeremy had to firmly tell Richard that no, his body couldn’t handle three tequila shots after one another without passing out and vomiting, and Richard had to stop Jeremy from making loud comments about every woman they saw. Richard briefly considered buying a gag, but thought that that would probably look even worse in the papers the next day. The fact that Jeremy kept trying to sneak drinks didn’t help matters either, especially not as Richard was getting steadily more drunk.   
  
They somehow managed to get to their proper houses, after Jeremy had to explain to Richard that no, Mindy would probably not appreciate waking up next to Jeremy’s body.  
  
“I hate you when you’re – you use logic,” Richard slurred slightly.  
  
“And I hate you when you steal my body,” Jeremy told him. “For your sake, you had better be right about the time limit.”   
  
Richard hoped it too. Yes, being able to drink had been good, but the price of it was too high. The price of a dodgy back, a dodgy hip, and an annoyed Jeremy as his drinking buddy hadn’t made the experience as pleasant as he had hoped. He stumbled into Jeremy’s home, and thought that at least Jeremy would be stuck with the killer hangover.   
  
***  
  
The next day, Stig received a phone call.  
  
“You utter, utter bastard,” Richard said. “I can’t believe you transferred the hangover.”   
  
Stig grinned to himself, and hung up. Perhaps now they would stop requesting him to use his alien powers like that.   



End file.
